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Why Are Men Frightened of Marriage?

…Or more specifically, why are men seeking marriage abroad?  Paul Joseph Watson of Infowars describes how fewer men than ever are refusing or avoiding marriage.

The gist of this ten minute video is that radical feminism and their media enablers have waged ongoing gender warfare against men with some anti-male values being enacted into law!

Actually, the reasons PJ Watson gives in the video mesh very well with why some American men wish to seek foreign brides.  Many men may be avoiding marriage with American women, but some of us still desire marriage.  Some of us want to be with a woman, we want to commit to a woman and have children with her.  We desire marriage because it is the one thing besides our jobs that give us meaning in life.

If the lack of marriageable men is the social problem that many pundits see it as, then it might be worth asking men why they are avoiding the institution.  Until then, men will do what they want.

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It’s a Woman’s World, Part I–Gender Ratios

Part of the reason why it is so difficult for an American man to date and find love in America comes down to demographics.  There are simply more men than women in America in the age ranges that matter to them.  I’ve written before about how male dominance in French held colonies in the New World resulted in Louis XIV recruiting single young women known as the King’s Daughters to be sent to marry male colonists to create families and a population boom that would strengthen French holdings in the colonies.

Today, we face a similar crisis, but no government agency is going to step in and help us.  For one thing, feminism controls and exercises disproportionate influence in government and the media, so this problem won’t be discussed to any significant extent.  Fortunately, men have more social mobility than ever and it’s not a big undertaking to travel abroad to date or look for a wife.

All the single men

To get an idea of the extent of the problem here’s an infographic of gender ratios in major cities in the United States (found here).

Graphical representation of disproportionate men and women in major US cities in 2012

Graphical representation of disproportionate men and women in major US cities in 2012

The data for the infographic draws from US census data and plots excess men and women by city in the US.  Only cities with a population of over 250,000 are represented.  Singles are considered to be people who are not married, divorced (but not separated) and widowed.  However, I’m not sure how many of these people are dating or cohabitating and still marking themselves as single on the census questionnaire.  You can find our more about the methodology by visiting the website but this will be good enough for our discussion.

The 18-64 age range is much too broad for us to consider because, realistically, how many men are chasing 64 year old women?  Not many I’d think.  Let’s look at the age ranges of women that men would be interested in.  The infographic has a slider bar where you can look at different age ranges.

20-34-relative

Women at the 20-34 age range are at their peak sexual appeal, desirability and fertility.  These are the women that men tend to chase regardless of how old the man is.  Actually, the 30’s are pushing things a little.  Fertility and appearance begin to wane in women once they enter their 30’s.  There may be a few exceptions made for women that take care of themselves and managed to remain childless but it’s largely irrelevant considering how many surplus men there are in the major US cities.  There are a few small bastions of surplus women in a couple of southern cities, but for the most part, it’s a sausage fest in the “land of opportunity”.

The depressing thing is that this map understates things a great deal.  Consider the obesity rating among women, how many of them are single mothers, and how many are lesbians.  The pickings are slim, indeed.  An American man has to cross an ocean to have a realistic chance of scoring an attractive woman in her prime age range.  Otherwise, he’s just hoping he gets lucky in the US.

My experience in the field

I divorced when I was 30 and tried to get into the dating scene about six months later.  This included going to events, speed dating, internet dating and spending thousands of dollars on singles clubs in the US.  I sought single or divorced women without children in the 25-35 age range.  Not only was this age range very close to mine, but I figured that a woman’s biological clock would be ticking and she would make man hunting a priority.  I just got a new higher paying job when I started dating.  I didn’t own alimony or child support to my ex-wife.  I rated somewhere between a 5-7 on a scale of 1-10 on Hot or Not depending on what photo I posted for ratings.  I am tall and was within a normal weight range, but if you wanted to get picky, I may have carried a few extra pounds that I didn’t need.  I had my own home and car.  Needless to say, I felt that I was a good catch and my confidence was high.

But there were no words to describe how frustrated I was.  Nothing was happening.  Nothing! I was even trying some game principles at one point and hiring a marketing professional to write my profile.  I logged into my dating profiles to find empty mailboxes while letters and other expressions of interest sent by me were being ignored and deleted without being read.  Nobody picked me after speed dates either.  Women in other venues were okay.  Sometimes I’d get numbers only to be screened by voicemail.  They’d never call back.

This graph gives a good reason why.

Gender ratios within the age range I was seeking to date.

Gender ratios within the age range I was seeking to date.

Not only is it a sausage fest, but 25-35 is the worst possible age range to be dating in if your a man living in the US.  Look at how large those blue dots are compared to the other age ranges!  You can play around with the interactive map at the website to see for yourself. There’s simply too many men chasing after two few women.  This age range also has a lot of bitter and jaded women.  Any women in this age range that has any appeal has likely been through a divorce or being played in the dating scene when she was younger.  So I had to cope with bad attitudes or a reserved defensive posture among the women that I did meet.

What do the women say?

Listening to too many women about relationships when I was younger is what contributed to my lack of success.  I was trying to take them at their word but they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

Or they say asinine things like this:

Kay S Hymowitz

Where have the men gone?  Look at the gender ratios across the US.  Men are everywhere!

In womanspeak, Hymowitz is actually asking, “Where are all the men that women want to date?”

“Want to date” is the key word here because some women actually notice the gender imbalance that should work in their favor but they respond to this by being picky (ie: unrealistic expectations).  It strikes me as a self-defeating strategy as they spiral to the abyss of spinsterhood.  Fortunately, men still have options abroad.

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Review of “90 Day Fiance”–Season 2

The Learning Channel (TLC) has capitalized on their success of 90 Day Fiance and launched another season documenting the lives of 6 couples in which one of them has immigrated from a foreign country to marry an American citizen.  I’m pleased to hear that this series is drawing some interest.  The foreign bride phenomenon has been with us for a while and it’s good to raise some awareness on the issue.

This season features 6 couples and they seem to be a much more diverse group.  Here are some of my impressions and what we can possibly learn from them during our own search for love abroad.

Danny (23) and Amy (21)

Danny and Amy

Danny is from Pennsylvania while Amy is from South Africa but they actually met in Australia on a bible study so they already seem to be well seasoned travelers despite their young age.  Their religious beliefs preclude sex before marriage so Amy ends up living with one of Danny’s family members in a very rural area which Amy isn’t used to.  She also very quickly gets introduced to Danny’s large family to the point that it’s obviously overwhelming for her.

I come from a very large family myself and have already thought about the day where I may have to introduce my fiance to them.  I think that for her sake, family introductions should happen gradually.  So, try to introduce her a few members at a time so she has an easier time getting acclimated.  She’s already trying to get used to the new culture and throwing a large family at her may be a sensory overload.  Amy seemed to deal with it very well which is a blessing.  It’s probably because Amy comes from a large family herself and, as we see, they come to American in force!  This couple seems to be getting off to a great start.  They really seem to love each other and they married with the full support of both of their families and had a fantastic wedding.

Things were going so well that producers seemed to be looking for a source of drama and focused on Danny’s father who was skeptical about his son marrying a woman from another race.  Amy has a little bit of an accent, but from outward appearances, she appears to be very caucasian.  It didn’t seem to be that big of an issue and Danny’s father seemed to not dwell on it for very long before accepting Amy.  How could he not?  Amy is a beautiful girl with a warm personality, something that is missing in a lot of American women.

Justin (34) and Evelin (29)

Justin and Evelin

Justin from San Jose, California met Evelin from Columbia during a rugby match at the World Games.  It seemed to be love at first sight so it was a big surprise to Justin’s family when he announces to his family that he is engaged to a foreign woman.  First, Justin’s family always knew Justin as a partying bachelor so many of his family were skeptical about this engagement being for real and regarding Evelin as a green card girl.  Second, Justin didn’t seem to be handling the introductions very well.  He pretty much ambushed them with the news at a family barbecue.  Things weren’t off to a good start and Justin suggests to Evelin that they elope.

It’s at this point that Evelin begins to shine.  Family is important to her and she insists that Justin’s family be included in their wedding, but she doesn’t do this in a confrontational way like an American woman would.  She uses a lot of charm and finesse to convince him and her actions to, not only win over Justin to her point of view, but his entire family!  Bravo!  Would a green card girl care about family in this fashion if it was only about trying to get into the country?  Immigrating to another country doesn’t just build character, it reveals it.

I hope Justin is thanking his lucky stars.  I think this marriage will make it and it will be because of Evelin for the most part.  Justin made a lot of mistakes when dealing with his family.  You have to at least prepare them for the experience.  Let them know that you are serious about a foreign girl so that it isn’t a huge shock when you introduce her to them.  Danny might have overwhelmed Amy with his family but Justin went to far in the other extreme.  There has to be a happy medium so that both families and fiance can adjust.  I have written about not telling people that you are looking for a foreign bride because of the backlash you might have to endure, and I still believe this.  But once you get serious with a girl and want to bring her to your country, you might want to give your friends and family a clue.

Chelsea (25) and Yamir (28)

Chelsea and Yamir

In this case TLC flips the script and selects a couple where the foreign fiance is actually the guy who is marrying an American woman.  They met at a concert in Nicaragua but it was Yamir that was the performer.  He is the member of a popular boy group in Nicaragua called Myla Vox and gave up on his success to emigrate to America and marry Chelsea.

Yamir seems to have still planned on working with Myla Vox in some capacity while living in America, so he seems crushed when the group disbands and his manager and co-stars move on.  He’s trying to go get a career in America started in Chicago which takes Chelsea out of her comfort zone and she begins to protest as American women tend to do when things don’t go their way.  Chelsea needed to be reminded by her mother about how much Yamir gave up to be with her.  I think this is the salient point that I need to make to foreign bride seekers.  Your bride may not be a successful pop star like Yamir was but this doesn’t mean that she won’t be giving up a lot to be with you, so treat this decision she is making with respect.

Also, be mindful of language barriers.  Yamir is probably the first fiance on this series who doesn’t speak very good English.  Fortunately, Chelsea can speak fluent Spanish so it isn’t as big of an issue.  But, for your fiance it may be a different story.  How many of us Americans know a second language?  Your fiance not knowing English is a very realistic possibility so be prepared for this.

Brett (31) and Daya (29)

Brett and Daya

Brett’s search online for a wife of traditional values takes him to the Philippines to meet Daya.  Brett is your typical nice guy who was married and divorced but doesn’t seem to have many friends his own age.  He ends up hanging around a group of older women and they share a home which seems very odd.  Daya comes off a little spoiled initially, making Brett’s mother and friends a little suspicious that she is marrying him for the right reasons.

It was Brett’s daughter that seemed to turn things around.  After a rough initial meeting, Daya begins bonding with Brett’s daughter and they become very attached.  However, as the wedding day draws near, Brett’s mother still isn’t on board and it creates an argument between her and Daya that Brett has a difficult time mediating.  The wedding ceremony goes ahead but Brett’s mother refuses to attend.

Brett is a nice guy but needs to show a little backbone.  He seems to let events get out of control and puts up with a little too much when it comes to conflicts.  The foreign bride search is harder than it looks and just because she finally arrives in America doesn’t mean your work is done.  The relationship between Brett’s daughter and Daya may hold the marriage together for a time, but Brett really needs to step into his role as the man.

Jason (38) and Cassia (23)

Jason and Casia

Jason and Cassia met on Facebook which resulted in Jason flying to Brazil to meet her.  There seemed to be enough chemistry for them to go through with the visa and immigration process, but frankly, I have difficulty seeing it half of the time.  They both seem to be in their own little worlds and it might be due to the age difference–15 years!

That’s not to say that large age differences will doom a relationship, but it doesn’t always help.  A lot of it is that it seems like they are in different stages in life.  Cassia is a free spirit who seems like she hasn’t grown up yet.  She speaks very directly and, if left alone for any length of time or doesn’t receive any attention, becomes very pouty and moody.  In other words, she acts like a typical American woman.  Jason, on the other hand, doesn’t have a personality that meshes very well with Cassia’s, he has a very traditional mind-set and probably sees himself as a father figure which causes him to look down on Cassia.

Jason also isn’t on a solid career path despite being almost 40 years old!  He and his father live together and make money by going to estate sales and buying and selling goods and wares on the internet.  This is going to create a lot of trouble ahead as he tries to make time for the attention-seeking Cassia.  The search for a foreign bride costs more than you think so you need to have a solid career or employment in order to be successful in this search.  Jason doesn’t have this which makes me skeptical that they are going to make it.  Does he even have health insurance?

Jason’s friends give him some good advice and talk some sense into him during the bachelor party, but Jason strikes me as a type that does things his own way and I suspect that Cassia will bust his balls if she doesn’t get what she wants.  This marriage might make it but there will be many ups and downs and Cassia may need to show more respect to Jason if this is to be successful.  Guys, choose your brides wisely!

Danielle (41) and Mohamed (26)

Danielle and Mohamed

Not a chance!  This is the most mismatched couple I have seen in a long time.  Mohamed makes the trip from his home in Tunisia to marry Danielle in Ohio.  Once again we have a large age difference that may make things rocky, but this is the least of their problems.  Danielle is a train-wreck.  She has four children (where’s the father of these children, by the way?) living with her in an apartment.  She loses her job as a social worker (how is that possible?) and things seem to spiral downwards from there.

Mohamed has to cope with a lot of skeptical family and friends of Danielle, and for a lot of good reasons.  For one thing, Mohamed is an 8 on a scale of 1-10.  He’s so good-looking that women in public are hitting on him.  Women in the US won’t approach a guy unless he’s at least an 8 which puts him in the category of movie star looks. Danielle, on the other hand, is only a 2 on the looks scale.  This discrepancy in looks is much too large for a relationship to work without compensating factors and these factors often boil down to money, which Danielle doesn’t have.  In fact, Danielle needs Mohamed to start working as soon as possible just so she can keep the lights on in her apartment.

None of Danielle’s family and friends think the marriage is going to last, but the wedding goes ahead on a shoestring budget.  Mohamed disappears for two weeks shortly afterwards, a time frame that surprises even me!  A foreign spouse has to remain married to an American for about three years to get a green card, but it doesn’t seem like Mohamed has any intention of living with Danielle for any longer than he has to.  When confronted by the producers, Mohamed pretty much declares that he will do what he wants.  He’s probably counting down the days for his green card.

Let this be the lesson:  Get your act together financially.  Don’t think that a foreign bride will make all your problems disappear.  In fact, it’ll get worse and break your heart.  Second, have realistic expectations.  If you’re lacking in the looks department like Danielle is, you’re not going to end up with a super model.  Aim lower.  You’ll still find a decent looking foreign girl who will be more than happy to meet you.

The second season of 90 Day Fiance is even better in my opinion.  There were more couples with a lot more diversity with a couple of the couples showing how much things can go wrong in this process. You need to be careful and exercise caution.  Danny and Amy and Justin and Evelin show how great the experience can be if you pick the right woman.  Danielle and Mohamed can show how miserable things will be if you aren’t prepared and make the wrong choice.  Choose wisely!

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I Am Tom Cruise

I’m not Tom Cruise in the literal sense, but I’m speaking metaphorically–and not about the man himself, but the character of Bill Harford that he played in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.  EWS was one of Stanley Kubric’s greatest films.  There’s been much written about the symbolism and themes portrayed in the movie, and one would have to watch it a few times to have it all sink in when the strong sexual content isn’t distracting you.  However, I personally related to Tom Cruise’s character, a doctor named Bill Harford.  Harford’s encounters in EWS resonate and parallels very well with my experiences in marriage and dating in America.  I wonder if Kubric ever realized the cord he struck with me and a lot of other men in my situation.

Eyes-Wide-Shut

The standard view of women is wrong

Like many American men, Bill Harford had a very naive view of women.  As far as he knew, women desired commitment and security so there was no reason why he should ever be jealous of his wife, Alice, when he saw her dancing with another man at a Christmas party.  Alice is bothered about his lack of jealousy and offended by his insinuation that she wouldn’t be sexually drawn to other men.  “You’re quite sure of yourself, aren’t you?” Alice had said.  Alice proceeds to burst Bill’s bubble by confessing that, not only did she think about having an affair with the man that she danced with at the Christmas party, but also with a naval officer that was staying at the same hotel they were at the previous summer.  Bill has been emotionally wounded by this confession, and Alice continuing to describe her feelings involving the naval officer in exquisite detail is twisting the knife.

Women generally keep their mouths shut about such feelings because the men in their lives would only get upset and Bill is no exception.  But to men in the pickup artist community, Alice’s reactions are completely understandable.  Women desiring commitment and security is only a half-truth.  They don’t desire this from any man, only alpha males.  This explains why so many nice guys and beta males spend their nights alone despite demonstrating the willingness to provide that commitment and security.  They’re not alphas.  Alice’s reaction to Bill is rooted in her disgust with Bill’s lack of display of alpha behavior.  He should be jealous enough to protect his mate and he wasn’t.  In evolutionary psychology, this is called mate guarding.

You would think that despite these revelations, Alice would still respect Bill.  Nope!  Alice breaks into a laughing fit when Bill shares his views with her on her own fidelity but he attributes it to her being high on the marijuana they’ve been smoking.  It becomes clear throughout the movie that Alice doesn’t respect Bill at all despite all his merits that should make him a good catch: financially secure, good looking, successful, well-connected, loyal, etc.  Not only does she not respect him, but openly mocks him to his face while devoting her time to their daughter.  Any married men that have found yourself in a similar situation, raise your hand.  Thought so.  Moving on.

Bill’s journey into the female psyche

Needless to say, Bill is angry.  But he is called to the home of a patient that has recently died later in the evening before he and Alice can finish their conversation.  His departure from his home in Central Park West takes him on an erotic journey that rattles him and entices him at the same time while slowly and utterly demolishing any preconceptions he might have about the sexual nature of men and women.

  1. He arrives at his recently deceased patient’s home where his patient’s daughter attempts to seduce him despite her being engaged to another man.  Bill declines the advance and dismisses it by attributing it to grief-induced lack of judgement.  In this incident, Bill is still trying to remain noble and adhering to his ethics as a doctor and a married man.
  2. Bill later encounters a group of men while walking in the street who are crudely describing a recent trip to a strip club or recent sexual encounter when they accuse Bill of being gay and bully him.  Bill is genuinely puzzled by the encounter.  Considering that I’ve been bullied on a number of occasions, it was obvious to me that some men try to build alpha credibility by bullying others and bragging about sexual conquests.  Women tend to have more sexual interest with such men. Men who don’t are accused of being gay and Bill must have subconciously telegraphed this vibe.  Bill is most assuredly not alpha material.
  3. Bill later encounters a prostitute named Domino who offers to take him to her apartment for some fun.  At this point we see Bill starting to abandon his principles.  He is also still mad at Alice and figures some revenge sex might be appropriate.  We also see throughout the movie that Bill is used to using his professional credentials and generous gratuity to get what he wants out of life, so paying a prostitute seems to be right up his ally.  However, it appears this is his first time hiring a prostitute because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and it’s making things awkward in her apartment.  Domino is nice enough to talk him through it, but before things go too far, Bill gets a call from Alice.  He lies to Alice about where he is at, but is now overwhelmed with guilt and decides not to go through with having sex with Domino.  He pays her anyway for her time.
  4. Bill visits with an old friend that is playing piano at a night club.  Bill discovers that his friend has a gig later that night, but it’s in a secret place.  Bill’s interest is raised further when his friend lets slip that there are attractive women there looking to hook up.  Bill presses his friend for enough information about the time and place since he believes he can infiltrate the event with a costume and mask since he has already heard the password.  At this point of Bill’s journey he is actively seeking a sexual encounter instead of being a passive recipient of sexual offers.  I’m thinking that Bill is aroused at this point after two aborted sexual encounters so whatever guilt he has is easily being supressed as he keeps dwelling on what Alice has told him.
  5. Bill goes to a shop to rent a costume that was owned by one of his patients only to find that it has been a while since they last spoke and discovers that somebody else owns the shop.  The merchant is willing to open his store in the middle of the night when Bill offers to pay extra.  But their transaction is briefly interrupted when the merchant discovers that his daughter is fooling around with two Asian men.  Since his daughter is underage, the merchant detains them until he finishes helping Bill so that he can call the police.  The daughter flirts with Bill before the merchant angrily sends her to bed.   Bill doesn’t know what to make of the incident.  He certainly won’t try to chase after the daughter of an angry merchant and he’s in a rush to get to the secret party so he quickly forgets about it.
  6. Then things get weird.  Bill arrives at the party’s location after a long taxi ride.  He gains entry simply enough and finds himself attending a pseudoreligious ceremony with other people in costumes and masks.  The masks don’t prevent a couple of the attendees from noticing Bill (perhaps because he’s wearing a costume that they don’t recognize from previous parties), but they don’t seem to do anything about it.  The women then disrobe during the ceremony and pair off with the men to start an orgy.  One of the women chooses Bill.  She apparently notices that he doesn’t belong there either and tries to get him to leave.  But she is distracted by another attendee and Bill’s curiosity keeps him at the party.  Bill only remains long enough to enjoy the view before getting ceremoniously ejected from the party with a warning that harm can come to him and his family if he speaks about what he saw.  Bill is in an environment where sex is given away freely and the most erotic fantasies a man can think of are being played out before his eyes.  But he doesn’t get to participate.  I can’t picture him feeling any guilt at all at this stage from such a sensory overload.
  7. Bill finally gets home, but gets no sympathy or sexual release from his wife.  In fact, he finds her giggling in the middle of a dream she is having in which many men are having sex with her while Bill looks on–much like Bill was looking on at the party he was just thrown out of.  If he was angry before, this should make him furious, but is it only a dream, or are Alice’s true desires bubbling to the surface from her subconcious?
  8. The next day, Bill tries to find his friend pianist the following morning at the local hotel to discover from the attendant at the main desk that his friend checked out really early in the morning and left no messages.  The attendant also happens to be gay and flirts with Bill.  This is the second time Bill is mistaken for being gay.
  9. Bill returns his costume (but seems to have lost the mask) and discovers the merchant on friendly terms with the two Asian men he had threatened to have arrested for fooling around with his daughter.  It seems that the merchant pimps out his daughter and was probably upset that they were trying to have sex with her for free.  He offers her to Bill for the right price, but sex with a minor seems to be too much for Bill and he declines.
  10. Bill actively tries to reach out to the daughter of his deceased patient and the prostitute Domino who were sexually receptive the previous night.  However, the daughter is with her fiance and Domino’s roommate informs him that Domino is HIV positive.  So it’s a no-go.  He also tries to revisit the place of the previous night’s orgy only to be rebuffed with a second warning.  One of Bill’s wealthy patients contacts him and tells him that he was also at that party and saw everything that happened.  He reiterates that Bill shouldn’t  inquire anymore into the matter, or he can be in serious trouble.
  11. Bill returns home to discover the missing mask he had rented with his costume placed next to his sleeping wife.  He is overwhelmed with guilt and confesses everything that has happened to Alice.  Alice feels that the best way to move on is to consider everything that happened the past couple of days as a dream and “to fuck as soon as possible

Bill completes his erotic journey within a day, but for me it took many years.  Apparently, I was a slow learner.  It’s not that I found myself attending orgies or having underage girls hitting on me.  My journey was largely a symbolic one but very similar to Bill’s.  I shared the same naive views of women that Bill did in the beginning of EWS.  I believed that women were naturally loyal and sought monogamy, companionship and security in their relationships because this was what I was taught from my family and even other girls that I was acquainted with.  Women were just waiting for a guy like me to rescue them from the lecherous, over-sexed jerks that they were dating–so I’ve been told.  So I invested time into my studies so that I can be a success and provide for a girl while playing the nice guy card a lot.  Of course, women still rejected me to sleep around with the jerks, but it was explained to me that they had low self-esteem.  These were just pretty lies and I was in denial about it for a long time because I wanted to believe it.

My journey

You see, I complained a lot in high school of my apparent lack of companionship from the opposite sex that claimed that they all wanted nice guys, and I wasn’t aiming out of my league either.  Since the first day I started high school, I knew where my place was in the hierarchy.  I knew that all the beautiful girls went after the football players and the guys that had cars.  I was aiming lower at girls that I thought I had a shot with, but it was still not to be.  I was rebuffed, mocked, teased and even accused of being gay when trying to express sensitivity–which was everything that Bill Harford experienced in EWS.

College wasn’t any better and I was getting the distinct impression that I was being lied to about the nature of women.  I wasn’t holding on to the idea that sex was only for marriage, but I still was taught or indoctrinated with the idea that sex was for a committed relationship and that the burden was on me to demonstrate such a commitment.  This wasn’t the case at all.  Sex after the first date, or even sex without dating was the norm (not the exception).  But the apparent ease of sex wasn’t a benefit in college that was enjoyed by all. In college, sexual activity roughly conformed to the 80/20 rule.  That means 80% of the sex was being had by only 20% of the people.  This means the alpha groups of each gender and this alpha status had little to do with traits such as sensitivity, romance and stability.  But much like Bill at the secret orgy, I saw people hooking up at parties and experimenting with all sorts of kinky activities, but I was excluded from participating.  This experience (or lack thereof) was quite an eye-opener for me.  It’s as if there was a conspiracy to exclude me from these activities or any sort of companionship whatsoever, much like how Bill felt at the orgy in EWS.  

Before anybody jumps on my case to suggest that my situation was unique or that there’s something wrong with me, I suggest to you that my time at college was during the mid to late 90’s where the internet was starting to emerge and gain widespread use.  Communities were forming online and one of them involved men who were as frustrated with the dating scene as I was.  They started comparing notes and tried to figure out how to capture a woman’s heart and desire.  They basically tossed out everything they thought they knew about women or what they have been told, deconstructed woman’s behavior, made observations, formed hypothesis, tried them in social settings and reported the results.  A lot of what they found would seem to mesh with what Alice was trying to tell Bill in EWS.  Hence Game, in its modern form, was born!

I didn’t know about the emerging Game community on the internet at the time.  Despite my setbacks in college, I did manage to meet a girl and married her shortly after I graduated.  She was a Plain Jane but was very friendly and kind to me and I thought this was the best I could hope for.  But within a couple of years, sex no longer interested her.  There was other issues in our marriage but they are beyond the scope of this article.  But you can imagine my frustration that I couldn’t even get sex in marriage!  Bill Harford at least still got to have sex with Alice at the end of EWS!  And even a Plain Jane like my wife couldn’t be a solid marriage partner in a lot of other respects so I divorced her after 5 years of marriage.  Before anybody condemns my decision to divorce,  you should note that  women initiate most divorces in the US and for a lot flimsier reasons.  Fortunately, there were no children or else I might need to hang on to a loveless marriage for their sake.  I got lucky as far as divorces go.

Dating post divorce wasn’t any better.  I was still getting rejected by women despite me being on a solid career path and owning my own home.  Single mothers were interesting in me as long as I understood that I was second fiddle compared to their kids.  Some of the mothers would call their sons little man–something I find to be a little creepy so I was never comfortable with the situation.  Other women were what I would call reformed sluts. They were the ones that slept around when they were younger but now their biological clock is ticking and they realize that they need to behave to find a good man.  This makes sense to them but not to me because they are making me jump through hoops for something that they used to give away freely to other men when they were younger.  No dice.  Strange as it sounds I was involved in some groups online and was invited to an orgy!  I was tempted to go in the hope of getting something started until I learned that the women there were 40-50 year old fat girls–nowhere near the type that were in the orgy scene in EWS.  Pass.

If it sounds like I’m picky now, it’s because I have to be.  I’ve grown older and wiser and my standards have been raised accordingly.  In retrospect, the best opportunity a woman had to snatch me up was when I was young and stupid but they decided to make out or spread their legs for somebody else.  I still look for the serious relationship and serious commitment and I’m willing to give marriage another try.  But it won’t be in the US.  My eyes are no longer eyes wide shut!

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Hollaback’s Harassment Hysteria!

A new video has gone viral this week that documents the harassment that ordinary women have to endure as they walk through city streets minding their own business.  The awareness group Hollaback posted a 2-minute video montage of all the catcalls and harassment that a typical woman endures in a typical 10-hour day of walking in the city–except that she wasn’t harassed which was a big let-down.  If you think Rebecca Watson and Elevatorgate were isolated incidents, this video should tell you how absurd American women have become and how they are no longer worth the trouble.

Instead, this illustrates the ludicrous victim hysteria that the thought police known as the feminist movement has come to and why many men have pretty much given up on trying to please these self-entitled specimens that pass for the American woman.  I admit that the first thing I thought of when watching this video was a similar themed music video by a Ukrainian pop group called Nikita (NSFW).

Except that Nikita is flaunting their sexuality and reveling in the male attention in this video while the unnamed woman in the awareness video is a 5 on a scale of 1-10 and walking like she has a load in the back of her pants. She should take it as a compliment that men are giving her attention at all. Have our standards dropped this low? No doubt that if the ladies of Nikita were walking down the street like this, it would garner all sorts of attention and we would see the unnamed woman in this video snarking over what pigs the men are.  The karma, it stings!

This is why American men have decided to try their luck overseas where you can still try to converse with foreign women in the streets of their own city and still get a decent reception.  Even if the girls don’t look like Nikita, they are still nice to the eyes and often have a pleasant disposition.   Apparently, strong and independent American women are still weak enough to be brought down by men calling out hey beautiful or God bless you ma’am to them while walking in a public street.  A Cubs fan gets worse than this walking the streets of Chicago, especially if he’s walking around the south side!  The men in the video were actually very respectful to her.  I heard no insults, no derogatory names, no attempts to physically obstruct her from walking to her intended destination.  Even the couple of guys that were trying to start a conversation while walking with her were respecting her personal space.  Not a single one tried to reach out and grab her.

It was obvious that this awareness campaign was going to backfire even before I saw this brilliant spoof:

It’s not like we men have it any better in the street, ladies.  It isn’t all about you!.  But I want to probe a little deeper than the visceral reactions that most people will have read about by now.  This begs the question as to how a man should approach a woman that he’s interested in.  It’s nearly impossible to do so at work without getting in trouble with his employer.  You can’t do it at other forums like a skeptics conference (google Rebecca Watson) without being publicly humiliated, and now Hollaback doesn’t think you should do it in public either.  Were running out of options, here.  So what do you do?

Everybody has an opinion on the matter, even in the pick-up artist community, but none of the ideas will work for most men.  Roger Devlin seems to have some insight as to why.  In his review of Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit, he states,

When a young girl becomes erotically aware of boys, she is endowed
by nature with a set of blinders which exclude the majority of them—
including many who can make good husbands—from her sight. What
gets a male within her narrow range of vision is called “sexual
attractiveness.” What is it?
It is not possible to find out by asking women themselves. They will
insist until they are blue in the face that they want only a sensitive,
respectful fellow who treats them right.

[…]

When women claim to be seeking kindness, respect, a sense of
humor, etc., they mean at most that they would like to find these
qualities in the men who are already within their erotic field of view.
When a man asks what women are looking for, he is trying to find out
how he can get into that field of view.

This metaphor about women having blinders is immediately relatable to any man who has struggled with getting girls interested in them and the frustration in having to deal with the rejection.  And this insight explains how Hollback’s video and the discussion that has ensued will do nothing to improve relations between the sexes.  Men will ask how we should approach and talk to women and women and their beta white knights will answer as if the man is already within her erotic field of view, only to get accused of harassing a woman on the street because she already has her blinders set to such a narrow view that she’s effectively looking down a rifle barrel.  Such men are trying to show respect to an entitled princess who would rather see them all get lost.  This is why this awareness video is going to flop big time.  But you wouldn’t need to tell certain men that.  They all know that it isn’t harassment if she likes you and a few have already discovered that women in other countries have their blinders on a broader setting.  Devlin concludes,

The advice they do give harms a lot of lonely
men who mistakenly concentrate their mating effort on showing
kindness and courtesy to ungrateful brats rather than working to gain
the things females actually respond to.

If Devlin is talking about American women, it wouldn’t be worth the effort for men to gain such things that women respond to.  Go East, my friends!

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Taylor Swift Syndrome

Taylor Swift: She’s beautiful, successful and completely opposed to dating, marriage and having children–At least for right now.

taylor-swift-hair

In an interview for In Style magazine, Swift describes some of her ambitions and goals in life and they don’t include marriage or children.  The reasons why not sound errily familiar to why many American women won’t date and tie the knot, forcing a lot of ordinary men to seek love and marriage overseas.

Choice quotes from the interview:

  • “I’m too young to get married. Not agewise, but I know myself, so why try to meet someone right now when I know I’m too young to do something serious?”
  • ” [My] group of friends,” [which includes Lena Dunham, Lorde, Selena Gomez and Jaime King] are the most important thing to me right now.  They are so fun and know me and like me for who I actually am”
  • “The last couple of years have been about defining life on my own terms. Being on my own, prioritizing my girlfriends, my family and my music above everything else and trying things I never thought I’d try. It’s a really liberating and freeing time.”
  • “It would take an astonishing human for me to even consider getting back into a relationship. It would take something really, really, really, really different—a kind of a one-in-a-million person for me to face all that. I don’t have any kid of idea who I’d want to be with, because I don’t have any pieces missing from my life right now. I’m not looking for anything to complete. I think that’s a nice place to be.”

In other words, Swift’s career and her friends come first and not finding a husband to create a family with.  You go girl!  as some of the feminists would say.

Swift also has some unrealistic expectations.  According to her, it would take “an astonishing” human to get her to commit to any man.  Swift has socialized and dating some of the most eligible bachelors on Hollywood’s A-list and can’t find one to fit the bill?  I’m thinking the men aren’t Swift’s problem.  It’s her.

Swift and the American women that seek to emulate her will think that she’s only 24 years old and still has plenty of time to find Mr. Right.  She/we just want to get our careers established!

Except that at 24 years old, girls don’t have a lot of time.  In about five years time, Swift’s biological clock is going to start ticking–loudly!   And if her girlfriends like Selena Gomez and Jaime King start pairing off and settling down with men of their own, that ticking will become deafening!  This is a bad time to be in for a woman that’s still single because she will be approaching an age to where she will become less and less visible to men as the next generation of hot talented girls begin to make a name for themselves.  In the literature of pick-up artists, this stage of life for women is crudely described as hitting the wall.  She might as well think about buying a cat when she gets to this stage.

Taylor Swift is in a profession that is very image conscious so she is likely devoting a lot of time and resources to look good and take care of herself so that her appearance and desirability can be extended past her 30’s and into her 40’s and may perhaps snag the affections of a producer or executive of some sort.  And all the women in the country will applaud Swift for living happily ever after while sticking to her principles.

But most American women don’t have this luxury.  On average, they start to hit the wall at around age 30.  And just because they won’t date and commit to a man, doesn’t mean they won’t stop having sex.  A significant portion of these women will have children out of wedlock which will decrease their chances of snagging a husband even further.

Even if a select few of these women survive this gauntlet that nature brings upon her and emerges with her beauty in tact, she may still regret it.  Consider what Vivica Fox said in a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, much to Oprah’s surprise.

“Do you ever miss being a mother?” Oprah asks Fox in the above video.

“Of course,” she says. “That’s the biggest regret of my life, that I didn’t have a child.”

“I’ll never forget seeing Halle on the red carpet at the Essence [Black Women in Hollywood] Luncheon. She just had [her daughter] Nahla, and I said, ‘Wow she so beautiful.’ She said, ‘Vivica, if I knew then what I know now, I would’ve had five of them,'” Fox recalls. “She said, ‘The joy I see in her eyes is just like no other high that I’ve ever experienced.'”

It just doesn’t suck to be a women in this environment, but also a man who desires commitment and marriage. Because even if men have an advantage of being able to date younger women when they are older, those younger women will be influenced by the next generation of Taylor Swift, whoever she might be.

It’s all shaping up to be a lose-lose situation for everyone involved and it’s all because of who we choose as our role models.  Kirsten Dunst was openly mocked for her views on relationships while I hardly hear a peep about Taylor Swift’s opinions.  That’s enough for a man to try and seek greener pastures overseas.

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Black Men Should Consider Brazil!

Occasionally, black men or other non-caucasian men will venture into the discussion of men seeking brides in Russia and the former Soviet Union (FSU), and ask (more or less) what their chances are of getting a lovely Russian bride.  They are effectively asking if their race will be a hinderance to their chances or are Russians tolerant to mixed race relationships?

The short answer is that a black man won’t be very successful in looking for a bride in the FSU.  It may be overly harsh to say that Russian people are racist, but interracial relationships aren’t broadly accepted and many families may discourage their daughters from marrying one, knowing the difficulties she’ll encounter in life.  In my travels to this part of the world, I saw only about two black people total.  To give you even more anecdotal evidence, hip hop and rap have risen in popularity in Russia, but the artists are all white guys.  There’s not a single black guy.  This was a little comical for me to see at first when I started traveling to this part of the world–music videos of a bunch of scrawny white guys wearing bling while standing by fancy cars and girls in bikinis singing about “bitches n’ hos” in russian.  I also found it interesting that when Russians use the term “black men”, they are referring to men of Arab decent.  Hopefully this gives you an idea of how rare black people are in this part of the world and I can’t honestly say that black men will get a warm welcome by the Russian women.

But all is not lost for the black man!  You just need to head south…to BRAZIL!  I’ve written about Brazil before and it seems that there’s the same demographic problems that Russia has: not enough men!  The Brazilian women also seem to be warm and passionate and have respect for men and family.  Brazil also has the largest black population in the world outside of Africa so they would be much more tolerant of black men than people in Russia, I would bet.  But don’t take my word for it.

Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil is a recent documentary that documents a growing trend of black American men voting with their feet and seeking love in greener pastures.  You can find this documentary on the internet and I have shared it below.

They interview black men from all walks of life, and the reasons they give mesh very well with why all men in general are looking overseas.  They are simply sick and tired of the spoiled princess entitlement of American women!

Frustrated also interviews a couple of American black women and their answers are a real hoot.  One black woman’s BMI has skyrocket past ” a few extra pounds and curvey” and rapidly approaching “beached whale”, but attributes her lack of success with black men to her “success”.  Success in what?  Competitive eating?  Get real!

The other black American princess is pleasant to look at until she opens her mouth.  She might have a masters degree and make a six-figure salary but she’s willing to settle for a black man that makes $75,000/year.  Her and “beached whale” don’t understand why black men can’t give black women like them a chance instead of going to Brazil to hook up with Brazilian hotties.  Such educated ladies can surely spell delusional.

I know that “black princess” thinks she’s being magnanimous by willing to settle for $75,000/year, but at a median income of only $50,000/year in the USA, she is still pricing herself out of the market.  Consider that most of the men interviewed in Frustrated have been to Brazil about a dozen times each and some even live there.  So they have money, which would imply a stable job.  And they still wouldn’t measure up to “black princess'” expectations.

And to top it off she says that she might not be able to cook a nice meal when he gets home because she doesn’t have time.  Here’s a solution: MAKE THE TIME!  I don’t understand why American women think they don’t need to put any effort in attracting or keeping a man and think they’re entitled to a man that makes just as much as them and charming to boot.  Priorities, ladies!

“Beached whale”, on the other hand, needs to get her butt on a treadmill and drop a hundred pounds at least, but such advice would be futile.  Women like her tend to live in their own little worlds and surround themselves with sycophants chanting “you go girl” and posting selfies of themselves in bikinis to try and encourage fat acceptance.

Don't judge me!!

Don’t judge me!!

This rant isn’t to suggest that I think women should quit their jobs and get back in the kitchen.  Modern day economics wouldn’t even allow that.  It takes dual income households to raise a family these days.  But as a lot of the men in Frustrated suggest, it’s about showing respect to what a man brings to the table and having realistic expectations.

The video ends with a montage of interviews given by Brazilian women and the difference between these girls and “black princess” and “beached whale” is striking.  It’s not just the appearance, although that’s a big plus.  They speak in soothing soft voices and they look very easy-going judging by their body language and posture.

The black man can try Russia if he wants to, but it seems like heading to Brazil would be more fulfilling!

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