Monthly Archives: October 2013

There’s No Such Thing As “Going Dutch”

Going dutch is a dating term in America that describes the practice of both the man and woman contributing financially to the expenses of their date.  Instead of an exercise in fairness, it merely reflects how dreams of equality between the sexes got perverted and made a mockery of the dating process.  But rest assured, there is no such thing as going dutch in Russia.  The man pays for all dates. Simple!

Going dutch was never a real dating custom in America.  You may have heard the blunt phrase, “No man ever got laid by going dutch!”  Well, it’s true.  If you think about your dating experience, or the dating experiences of other men that you know well, relationships that ended up going dutch never went much further than that.  Heck, if a man is really into the girl, he wants to pay for her.  It’s the easiest way to show that he’s a classy guy and a good provider.  There’s also the benefit of the girl feeling more cared for and comfortable with you.  She knows that you’re serious.

This is how it works in Russia!  You want to go to Russia because the girls are more feminine and conservative, right?  Well, that means the man pays.  If you went dutch for a long time in America, this may seem a little strange to you, but it’s not.  Try it a few times and you’ll understand how primal this desire is to take care of a woman if you’re really into her.

This is a good example on how the harping and carrying on about gender equality has totally messed up western courtship.  Going dutch has an appeal of fairness to it but it undermines traditional gender roles and leads to confusion about one’s intentions for the relationship.  Women who are serial daters* might suggest going dutch to avoid the implication that they are just dating for free food and entertainment.  But this won’t be what the guy thinks.  He’ll think he’s with one of those “modern chicks” and allow her to pay her share to avoid offending her.  The girl is wondering why he would accept her offer to go dutch unless he wasn’t really into her.  Whatever relationship they thought they had was dead on arrival at this point.  The offer to go dutch can also be a woman’s way of saying that she doesn’t want to owe him anything.  But how is the guy suppose to know this?  Like I said, it leaves nothing but confusion.

This is why I always paid, even when dating in America.  There’s nothing to be confused about in terms of the relationship.  The girl knows my interest because I wouldn’t be paying for her if I wasn’t.  Plus it’s always fun to listen with amusement her rants about the glass ceiling and how women make $0.71 for every dollar a man makes only to have me cover everything.  But then again, I doubt a lot of American women pick up on that irony.

This is one of the good things about Russia.  The RW let men be men.  This doesn’t mean that the date needs to be expensive and extravagant.  When you’re meeting for the first time, it’s best to keep it simple.  Make sure it’s a location or activity that you feel comfortable paying.  Another good thing about RW is they let the man decide where the date is.  This was a big relief to me, because I’ve grown accustomed to treating the first few dates in America like a hostage negotiation.  The AW like to shoot down dating ideas or subtly change the plans you make.  One barely starts out on the date before he even wonders why he bothers.

The dating culture in Russia is a lot simpler and a lot more enjoyable.

*The term serial dater refers to women who date frequently without the intention of making a serious commitment.  A serial dater isn’t necessarily focused on having sex, although it could happen. They’re just out to have fun and hope an available man can defray some of her food and entertainment expenses.

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How Many to Write? How Many to Visit?

The initial stage of finding a Russian wife isn’t too different from online dating in your own country so many American men may dive right into the process and end up becoming keyboard romeos because they didn’t think of a proper strategy for meeting Russian girls.

Eventually, you’ll have to take the leap of faith and end up going to Russia or other counties of the FSU to visit your romantic interest.  It’s not as simple or as cheap as meeting at the local coffee shop or at a half-way point between the two of you as if you were meeting an American girl.  Meeting a Russian girl would require taking time off of work and flying to Russia to actually date her.  Also, if you’re like most Americans, you only get a few weeks vacation time each year.  Flights from New York or Atlanta take at least 8-10 hours at a minimum to get to a city like Moscow or Kiev.  If you need to travel to a further city such as Barnaul or even Vladivostok, it will take even longer.  Plus getting acclimated to the time differences and returning home doesn’t give you a lot of time to date in country, which makes the time much more valuable and you’ll feel pressured to succeed, which could lead to a lot of bad decisions.  

You may think that the most effective use of your time and money is to write to and visit as many Russian women as you can during your trip.  Needless to say, there are a variety of ways to go about making contact with the girls and they have been discussed in forums and the blogosphere at length.  There’s no right or wrong way to making contact and visiting.  There’s pros and cons to each way.  The method you end up using will depend a lot on your comfort level and how much time and money you have to spare.

There are four main strategies to initiating contact.  Think about which method would be best for you before diving in!

  1. Write One, Visit One (WOVO):  This strategy isn’t used very often. I suspect the men that are in this category weren’t initially considering a Russian girl but one ended up making contact with him through Facebook or Match and he became enamored. So this is the only one he writes to and ends up visiting.  Since she’s the only girl, a relationship can progress fairly quickly if there is mutual chemistry.  But I would only recommend this strategy if you have had a relatively lengthy correspondence with her through email, Skype and even phone calls so that you know each other very well.  Don’t use this strategy if you just fell in love with her picture and a few tender emails.  You could be setting yourself up for disaster.
  2. Write Many, Visit One (WMVO): I would recommend this strategy for most men.  It’s the one that I’ve used and it seems to be a popular one because it’s very sensible.  You cast a wide net online by writing to many ladies.  The girls that are active and interested in talking to you will reply and you proceed to narrow the eligible ladies down to that one special one that you visit.  It’s an effective use of time in the beginning, especially if you have a subscription package with a website or marriage agency that allows you to write to as many ladies as you want.  And since you likely only have 5-10 days in Russia or the FSU, that one woman you visit is more than enough.  But it’s important to realize that you need to do some serious thinking about what you want in a wife and what’s important to you and discuss this in your correspondence with the ladies that you write to and ask the important questions.  A lady you write to can be the hottest, most beautiful girl in the bunch, but you must drop her if it seems that you aren’t compatible based on her answers and views.  You will set yourself up for disappointment if you fall in love with her picture.
  3. Write Many, Visit Many (WMVM): This is a popular strategy for all you social butterflies, experienced travelers and veterans of the overseas bride search.  This is a tempting strategy that most men use because it isn’t normally the case for several women to be interested in a man so he’ll get sucked in easily by the idea of many ladies wanting to be in his company.  It’s a type of rock star fantasy at work on a man’s mind, but I’ve read a lot of diaries and trip reports from men who have used this strategy and noticed many men easily get in over their head with this method.  They juggle dates with so many women that they lose them all or he loses his focus on his objective (finding a wife). There’s also the issue of both you and the ladies holding back on your feelings and actions because you don’t want to make a commitment and bond with her until you meet and assess all the girls, and she knows that she isn’t the only one you’re meeting and will act reserved as well which is a dynamic that will work against you. I’ll repeat that American men don’t have a lot of time and that also works against you.  Plus, dating multiple women has a way of raising the cost of your trip, especially if the women you’re dating are in different cities, even if your careful with expenses.  Men that are able to take more time off because they own their own business or work at a place that allows him to take a leave of absence can probably use this method successfully because he won’t feel rushed and has the time.  If you decide on the WMVM strategy, select your women from the same city to keep your logistics a lot simpler and expenses at a reasonable level.
  4. Write One Visit Many (WOVM): This isn’t really a strategy but I thought I’d include it in the discussion to cover all the permutations of writing and meeting Russian women.  I tend to think of it as an ad hoc method for when things go badly with a the woman that you originally planned on meeting.  You meet the girl and you discover that she isn’t the one, or that she’s trying to scam you or she stood you up.  Making most of your time in country, you decide to hit nightclubs or do approaches in public to try and meet a girl that way.  Perhaps you’re in a city with a marriage agency and you decide to stop in. Hopefully you can find one that is interested in dating and marrying a foreigner and leaving her country.  It’s long odds but I commend you for trying.  Naturally, if you’re a little reserved or introverted, or you don’t know the language, you aren’t going to feel comfortable doing this.  Perhaps you should get out more in America and practice learning some game just in case you are forced to use this method.  Anything helps.

I have my preferences on which strategy you should try, especially if you’re new at this, but a lot of factors will be based on how experienced you are and your personality.   I’m sure if you ask around, other foreign bride seekers will give you tons of advice but it’s ultimately up to your comfort level which strategy you’ll use.  I tried to give a balanced overview but the important thing is to have and open mind and adapt your strategy when necessary.  So as long as you are thinking ahead and planning, any of these methods can work.

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